Letter I once taped to my bathroom wall

(originally posted elsewhere, March 26, 2013)

My Dearest Children, Fruit of My Loins, Apples of My Eye, Cherished Darlings, Treasured Little Angels,

You both know how very much I love you. How high you fall on my priority list (that is to say, at the tip-top, almost always above even my own needs). How proud I am of your many accomplishments. How honored I feel to have been blessed with your presence in my life.

I am, however, a bit concerned by some of your habits. I’ve noticed a particularly worrying trait burgeoning within both of my precious little snowflakes, lately, and I think its time you and I had a frank discussion. Since you obviously both spend so many memorable hours here, in the bathroom, and since several of those habits have to do with the things that go on while you’re here, I thought Id leave this first chapter on the wall, at eye level, for your toilet reading pleasure.

1. There’s this lever, just behind you and slightly to your right. After depositing your waste in the bowl, if you push down on that shiny little thing SURPRISE!!!… the waste will usually disappear.

• a. On occasion, especially if it has been a while since you made a longer visit to this room, the waste will get stuck in the bowl, in spite of appropriate use of the shiny lever. In those instances, there’s this black thing, on a red wooden handle, just behind the bowl. You have both been instructed in the proper usage of this tool, which is called say it with me, now, kiddos! … a PLUNGER!

• b. If you cannot quite get the hang of the shiny lever/plunger operation, please contact the nearest adult to ask for help. Trust me; any annoyance we may feel at this time will be MUCH less intense than our frustration, upon making our own visit to the porcelain throne, at finding a bowl full of un-flushable waste. Especially in urgent situations, like too much coffee or a brief indulgence in Taco Bell.

• c. Please use the exhaust fan provided (that’s the switch on the far left, in case you’re wondering), as you drop the kids off at the pool, to avoid leaving a not-so-pleasant lingering fragrance behind for the next guest to the loo.

• d. It is generally considered extremely bad form to leave any substance, whether fluid or otherwise, on the toilet seat or lid. Please clean up after yourself. I’m sure we can all agree that sitting down in someone else’s urine at two in the morning doesn’t make for dreams full of rainbows and unicorns upon returning to bed.

2. Good dental hygiene is very important. We are glad that you take the time to properly brush your teeth in the mornings before school, and at night, before bed.

• a. We would much prefer, however, that you run water into the basin before and during the spitting process, and thoroughly rinse the sink after you expel the used toothpaste, saliva, mucous and other assorted detritus from your mouth into the basin. It is quite unpleasant to turn on the water to wash our hands, and find a loogie that would cause most self-respecting sea slugs to hang their heads in shame. Very disconcerting. Please refrain from leaving us such gifts.

• b. As your mother, I think it behooves me to prepare you for your future. Let me assure you, when you (at an appropriate age, as determined by …well, me) are posting horrendous I mean, adorable duckface bathroom mirror pictures on social media, the various toothpaste spooge on the mirror will seriously mar the intended effect. Please brush your teeth with your mouth at some setting other than Open Sesame. Your future twitter followers will thank you.

• c. Whenever you use the sink, please take a moment, afterwards, to look over the general condition of the surrounding countertop. It only takes a moment to wipe down the counter, thus avoiding the wrath of the early morning grumpy mom/man.

3. Showering on a regular basis is vital to good grooming and healthy bodies. We are very glad that we do not have to nag you to take care of this essential task.

• a. The use of washcloths in the shower is certainly encouraged, for proper distribution of soap and appropriate scrubbing power. There is a place provided for you to hang those cloths to dry, after they’ve served their purpose. That place is not the shower floor, unfortunately. I know its difficult to hang the wet cloths over the bar, but I hope you will understand my reluctance to pick them up off the shower floor once they’ve gotten cold and slimy after an overnight wait.

• b. Please, while in the shower, use the aforementioned exhaust fan. This cuts down on possible growth of mold, mildew, and the zombie virus in our shared bathroom. Only YOU can prevent the zombie apocalypse.